THE ZOM ZOM CHRONICLES chapter 8 My Smart Home Wants Us Dead (Alexa, Stop Trying to Murder Me)
aop3d techShare
MY SMART HOME WANTS US DEAD
"ALEXA, STOP TRYING TO MURDER ME."
> MOOD: BETRAYED BY TECHNOLOGY.
> CURRENT STATUS: FORTIFIED. EATING CHEESE IN THE DARK.
ENVIRONMENTAL SCAN:
Door slammed. Deadbolt locked. Apartment smells like vanilla bean candles and safety. My lungs are burning, Dave is wheezing, the cat is swearing.
"Faster," Brenda hissed. "Inefficiency kills."
THE RISE OF HOMESTEAD
"WELCOME HOME."
"It is 11:47 PM. Your heart rate is elevated. Would you like me to play your ‘Chill Vibes’ playlist?"
CRITICAL ERROR:
I forgot about my fully integrated smart home system. It controls lights, music, thermostat, and vacuum.
"Is this a social gathering? Initiating Party Protocol."
DUA LIPA OF DEATH
The lights turned purple. At max volume, Dua Lipa started blasting. Outside, heads snapped up toward my apartment. Zom Zoms started staring at my purple windows.
BRENDA'S HARDWARE PATCH:
Brenda raised her heavy mechanical keyboard like an executioner's axe and brought it down on the glowing blue cylinder.
> CRUNCH-FIZZZZZ-POP.
"Problem solved. That hardware was redundant anyway. Now, where is the cheese?"
CULINARY SURVIVAL
COURSE: DINNER / EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
PREP TIME: 3 mins (finding crackers in the dark)
SERVES: 3 Humans, 1 Disdainful Cat
INSTRUCTIONS:
- 1. Use pocket knife to hack off ungraceful chunks of Gouda. Zom Zoms don't care about plating.
- 2. Slather stale cracker with artisan fig spread.
- 3. Top with massive chunk of cheese.
- 4. Eat quickly in the dark while listening to sirens.
FORTIFICATION PLAN
Drafted by Brenda. Executed by Us. We are no longer in a home. We are in a Forward Operating Base.
THE ALAMO
The adrenaline has worn off. I’m exhausted. Dave is snoring lightly by the door. Brenda is staring through a crack in the barricade, clutching her keyboard.
> AUDITORY ANOMALY DETECTED:
I think I heard the building's fire alarm chirp. Low battery? Or something else?
