THE ZOM ZOM CHRONICLES chapter 16 ( The Maiden Voyage of the S.S. Tetanus (River Zombies are the Worst Zombies)
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ZOM ZOM CHRONICLES
THE MAIDEN VOYAGE OF THE S.S. TETANUS
THE LAUNCH
TIMESTAMP: THURSDAY MORNING, DAWN
MOOD: WET. LOUD. DEEPLY REGRETTABLE.
We launched at first light.
The river behind Joe’s scrapyard was covered in a thick, oily fog. It smelled like dead fish and old tires.
"If you fall in, I ain't fishing you out. The catfish in here have teeth now." - Joe
With a mighty splash, the barge hit the water. It rocked violently side-to-side. We scrambled aboard, tossing Mister Whiskers and Buster onto the minivan seats.
THE ROAR
WARNING: EXTREME NOISE HAZARD
Joe grabbed the pull cord of the ancient Evinrude outboard. He ripped it hard.
CHUG-a-CHUG-a-BLAM-ROAAAAAAR!
The engine didn't just start. It screamed. It sounded less like a boat motor and more like a chainsaw fighting a lawnmower inside a metal trash can.
STEALTH IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.
THE FLOATERS
From the weeds, from behind abandoned docks, figures stumbled out. Zom Zoms, drawn by the noise, walked right off the edge and splashed into the water.
FIELD OBSERVATION:
A bloated hand slapped onto the deck plates. A "Floater" in a faded business suit, swollen with water like a horrible balloon. Skin gray and sloughing off.
Brenda used her mechanical keyboard shield like a snowplow, jamming it against the Zom's chest.
TACTICAL ACTION: DE-ESCALATE!
TACTICAL MAP
RIVER RUN: 5-MILE STRETCH
[START: JOE'S SCRAPYARD]
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[ THE GAUNTLET ] (High Density Float zone)
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[OBSTACLE 1: THE GARBAGE PATCH]
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[[ THE "BOOM" BRIDGE ]] <-- EXPLOSIVES
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[ THE NARROWS ] (High-wall drop zone)
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[END: STADIUM DOCKS]
CRITICAL: DO NOT TOUCH PILLARS AT BOOM BRIDGE.
THE SHANTY
DAVE'S VOCAL LOG:
"There once was a ship that was made of trash,
The motor roared with a terrible crash!
The river is black, the Zoms are green,
Oh blow, my bully boys, blow!"
NOTE: Crew cohesion did NOT increase by 14%. Dave was threatened with "chum" reclassification.
THE GAP
We are past the first wave of Floaters. The engine is still running, somehow.
Up ahead, a massive island of floating trash blocks the middle of the river. Refrigerators, plastic bags, and unknown horrors.
CURRENT OBJECTIVE:
Navigate the Narrow Gap.
IT LOOKS AWFULLY TIGHT.
