THE ZOM ZOM CHRONICLES chapter 13 ( Method Acting for the Undead (Or: How I Ruined My Favorite Cardigan)

THE ZOM ZOM CHRONICLES chapter 13 ( Method Acting for the Undead (Or: How I Ruined My Favorite Cardigan)

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THE ZOM ZOM CHRONICLES

Post Title: Method Acting for the Undead (Or: How I Ruined My Favorite Cardigan)

Date: Wednesday Afternoon

Mood: Smelly. Terrified. Slightly humiliated.

Current Status: Standing in the lobby, covered in filth, practicing my "groan."

Brenda’s plan is insane. It is also the only plan we have.

"We cannot fight them," Brenda announced, pacing the living room while holding a roll of duct tape. "And we cannot outrun them. Therefore, we must become them."

I stared at her. "You want us to get bitten?"

"No," she said, disgusted. "I want us to assimilate. Zom Zoms display herd behavior. They ignore other Zom Zoms. If we look like them, walk like them, and smell like them, we can walk right through the blockade to the Prius."

The Makeover

Step one was the visual camouflage.

"Mess up your hair," Brenda commanded. "You look too put-together. You need to look like you've been sleeping in a dryer."

I ruffled my hair. I untucked my shirt. I even—painfully—ripped a small hole in the sleeve of my cashmere blend cardigan.

"Good," Brenda nodded. "Now, David. You look like a nervous tech support agent. We need 'vacancy.' Slacken your jaw. Let your arms hang. Posture check!"

Dave slumped his shoulders. He let his mouth hang open.

"Better," Brenda critiqued. "But you look bored, not undead. Imagine you are at the DMV. You have been waiting for four hours. And they just called the wrong number. Channel that energy."

Dave’s eyes went dead. He groaned softly.

"Perfect," Brenda said.

The Scent of Survival

"Now," Brenda said, holding up a spray bottle she had fished out of the cleaning caddy. "The olfactory camouflage."

"Please tell me that isn't..." I started.

"It is a mixture of vinegar, the juice from the bottom of your kitchen trash can, and a splash of ammonia," Brenda said. "It masks the scent of 'fresh human' with the scent of 'decaying garbage.' Turn around."

She misted us.

It was vile. It smelled like a salad dressing made by Satan. Mister Whiskers, currently strapped to Dave’s chest in a baby-carrier (facing forward), sneezed violently.

"The cat is a liability," Brenda noted, spraying the carrier. "If he meows, we die."

"He won't meow," I lied. "He's stealthy."

The Walk

We practiced in the hallway.

Step, drag. Step, drag.

"Narrator, you are too rhythmic!" Brenda hissed. "You are walking like you're listening to jazz. Break the tempo. Be erratic."

I tried to be erratic. I stumbled. I groaned.

"Excellent," Brenda whispered. "Now, the formation. I take point. Dave, you are cargo transport (the cat). Narrator, you are rear guard. If anyone stops, do not engage. Just groan louder."

We are at the lobby door now. Through the cracked glass, I can see them. Dozens of them. Just standing there.

My heart is hammering against my ribs so hard I'm afraid they'll hear it.

"Showtime," Brenda said. She unlocked the door.

BRENDA'S GUIDE TO ZOMBIE MIMICRY

(Written on a notepad before we left, for reference)

CORE PRINCIPLES OF THE "ZOM WALK":

  1. The "Dead Gaze": Do not make eye contact. Look through people, not at them. Focus on a point 100 yards away, like you are trying to remember if you left the oven on.

  2. The "Heavy Head": Let your head loll to one side. It suggests neck muscle atrophy (or a really bad night's sleep).

  3. The Sound:

    • DO: Low, wet, rhythmic chewing noises. Ck-ck-ck.

    • DO: Occasional frustrated groans. Hrrgh.

    • DO NOT: Scream, cry, or say "Excuse me" if you bump into someone.

  4. Arms: Keep them limp. T-Rex arms are for running zombies. We are mimicking loitering zombies.

  5. Reaction Time: If a loud noise happens, do not turn quickly. Turn your whole body slowly, like a tank turret.

RECIPE: EAU DE APOCALYPSE (SCENT MASK)

WARNING: Do not use on sensitive skin. Or any skin. This is purely for survival.

  • Base: 1 Cup of "Bin Juice" (The liquid found at the bottom of the trash bag).

  • Acid: 1/2 Cup White Vinegar (To confuse the nose).

  • Top Note: 1 Teaspoon of Ammonia or Bleach (DO NOT MIX THESE IN LARGE QUANTITIES or you will make mustard gas and die before the zombies get you. Just a drop for the chemical smell).

  • Texture: Rub dirt/dust into clothes for that "buried for a week" look.

Application: Spray liberally on clothes. Avoid eyes. Try not to vomit.

PRE-SORTIE CHECKLIST

Brenda:

  • [x] Keyboard Shield (Strapped to back to look like luggage).

  • [x] Heavy Flashlight (Concealed in sleeve).

  • [x] Comfortable Shoes (Heels were discarded in Chapter 7).

Dave:

  • [x] The Cat (Secure in carrier).

  • [x] Catnip (To drug the cat into silence).

  • [x] Nerf Gun (Tucked in waistband, painted black to look less... Nerf-y).

Me:

  • [x] The Stick (Used as a "walking cane" to blend in).

  • [x] Backpack (Filled with coffee, water, and Gouda).

  • [x] Car Keys (In hand. Do not drop them).

Status Update: The door is open. The fresh air hits us.

We are stepping out onto the sidewalk.

A Zom Zom—a guy in a delivery uniform—is three feet away. He turns. He looks right at me.

I let out a low, pathetic moan.

He stares. He sniffs the air (smells the vinegar/trash mix).

He loses interest and turns back to staring at the fire hydrant.

It’s working.


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