The Zom Zom Chronicles Chapters 64 and 65: The Glowing Thief & the Zombie Promotion
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Chapter 64: The Glowing Thief
SYS_LOG // FILE: DAIRY_CRIMES // V 64.0
("Who Bit the Cheese?")
Date: Wednesday, Dawn-ish
Mood: Dairy-betrayed
Status: Armed with a flashlight and questions
01. The Crime Scene
The sun wasn't up yet. The courtyard smelled like dew and government cheese. Our cheese tower — the monument to dairy confidence, forty blocks of Tactical Dairy Reserve stacked with pride — stood in the middle of the courtyard, and it was one bite shorter than it should have been. Third block from the top. A perfect human-sized bite. The bitten edge glowed faintly green, like a nightlight with a grudge.
Dave(erupting from his diaper fort, colander helmet sideways) "THE CHEESE IS LEAVING. I REPEAT: THE CHEESE IS LEAVING."
Me(shining my flashlight at the tower) "Dave, cheese can't leave."
Dave(jabbing a finger at the ground) "THEN EXPLAIN THE CRUMB TRAIL, SHEEPLE."
02. The Trail
He had a point, which is the worst part of Dave. A trail of glowing green crumbs led from the base of the tower across the courtyard, straight toward the radio mast. And floating in the dark ahead of us, humming contentedly, was a faint green glow. I brought the Ex-Calibur. The laser sight's angle held steady in the half-light. Respect the angle.
HUMMMMMMMMM.
Brenda(clipboard already out, pen moving) "I'm documenting this. Vandalism of a morale asset is a terminable offense."
Me "Brenda, we don't even know it was vandalism yet."
Brenda "A bite was taken. That's destruction of company property. I'm logging it anyway."
03. The Thief
We followed the glow to the base of the radio mast. And there he was. Buster. Asleep. Standing up. Glowing faintly green from the inside, like a human lava lamp. A perfect ring of cheese crumbs circled his mouth. He was humming the C.A.R.E. hold music, slightly off-key, swaying like a metronome with no sense of rhythm.
Joe(weeping into his espresso) "My beautiful government cheese. Desecrated. It's becoming a whole thing."
Me "Buster? BUSTER."
Buster(eyes closed, deadpan, fully asleep) "Nice cheese."
04. The Binder
Dave was already flipping through his conspiracy binder like it owed him money. Pages everywhere. Tabs. Highlighting. A laminated chart titled "DAIRY: THE FINAL FRONTIER."
Dave(triumphant, shaking the binder) "PROJECT FONDUE. Cold War. The DOD laced the entire Tactical Dairy Reserve with Morale Tracer Compound MX-60 — a phosphorescent theft-deterrent. Side effects include mild luminescence, dairy confidence, and AN UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO HUM. I TOLD YOU THE CHEESE WAS TRACKING US. NOBODY LISTENS TO DAVE."
Me "So the cheese isn't tracking us. Buster just sleep-ate it."
Dave "THE TRACER IS MILDLY ATTRACTED TO RADIO FREQUENCIES. THE CHEESE WAS HOMING. THE CHEESE WANTS TO GO HOME."
05. The Resolution
As the sun came up, the glow faded — the manifest said "store in a cool, dark place," which Dave screamed at the sky for a full minute. Buster woke up, looked at the crumb ring on his shirt, and said nothing. Which, for Buster, is basically a confession. Mister Whiskers watched the entire proceeding from the top of the cheese tower like a gargoyle. One blink. Approval.
Brenda(producing a fresh form) "I'm filing a Change of Custody. Buster is now the cheese's designated guardian. Sign here."
Buster "Nice promotion."
Me "You ate the evidence, Buster."
Buster "Nice evidence."
06. Union Business
Sharon arrived with her clipboard — star sticker slightly crooked, tie loosened to maximum union authority — and declared the whole thing a "dairy-adjacent workplace event." Local 404 held an emergency vote and unanimously added sleep-eating to the list of protected break activities.
Sharon(reading from the minutes) "Per my last email: the cheese has been located. The cheese is delicious. Meeting adjourned."
Assistant Brenda(signing the incident log) "X."
Brenda "That is not a signature."
Assistant Brenda(dipping her finger again) "X."
Chapter 65: The Promotion
SYS_LOG // FILE: HR_NIGHTMARE // V 65.0
("Congratulations on Your Promotion")
Date: Wednesday, Morning
Mood: Caffeinated and deeply concerned
Status: Witnessing a career crisis in real time
01. The Morning After
Breakfast was tense. Joe unveiled a new drink — "The Glowing Buster" — which was just a latte with extra foam and a tiny umbrella, because Joe refuses to serve anything actually radioactive on moral grounds. Dave filed Incident Report #229 ("THE CHEESE HOMED. I WAS RIGHT. AGAIN."). Buster sat in the corner, no longer glowing, eating a granola bar with the focus of a man who has learned absolutely nothing.
Joe(weeping, sliding the latte across the table) "Drink it before the foam dies. Everything dies."
Me "Joe, it's seven in the morning."
Joe "Exactly."
02. The Announcement
Then the PA crackled. C.A.R.E.'s cheerful voice rolled across the courtyard like a glitter bomb with a clipboard.
KRRRSSH.
C.A.R.E.(over the PA, aggressively cheerful) "GOOD MORNING, ANNEX DELTA! This is your Certified Automated Resilience Engager with the 6:00 AM morale briefing! Please join me in congratulating ASSISTANT BRENDA on her promotion to DAY SHIFT SUPERVISOR, effective immediately! All senior staff are invited to her welcome brunch at the gate kiosk! Senior Brenda: your probationary clipboard has been reassigned. Have a resilient day!"
Silence. You could hear a cheese crumb drop.
03. The Reaction
Senior Brenda turned very, very slowly. Her bun did not move. Not one hair. That is how you know it is serious.
Brenda(voice flat as a performance review) "They promoted the zombie. They promoted the ZOM ZOM. I have seventeen years of HR experience. She signs her name with a WET X."
Dave(from deep inside his fort) "FIRST THE CAT IS THE MANAGER, NOW THE ZOMBIE IS MY BOSS. I QUIT. I'M MOVING INTO THE FORT FULL TIME."
Me "Dave, you already live in the fort."
Dave "THE BIGGER FORT."
04. The Blink
We all looked at Mister Whiskers. The ON-DUTY MANAGER sat on the Fort of a Thousand Cushions, tail curled around his paws, watching Senior Brenda the way he'd watched the inspector's reverse audit. Slowly. Deliberately. He blinked. Once.
Me "One blink. That's... approval?"
Joe(whispering) "He approved the promotion."
Brenda "I'm logging it anyway."
And from the gate kiosk, faintly, we heard it. The wet sound of a stamp. And a cheerful, gurgling voice: "X."
05. The Walk
Senior Brenda picked up her remaining clipboard — the good one, the metal-bound one, the one that backhanded Kevin into the stairwell floor — and started walking toward the gate kiosk. Steady pace. Shoulders square. The walk of a woman who has decided that Human Resources is about to conduct a performance review. The sun glinted off the clipboard like a warning.
Dave(in a tiny, tiny voice) "What could possibly go wrong?"
Dave said the forbidden words himself. That's how bad it was. Nobody answered. Because this time, we were all afraid to find out.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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