THE ZOM ZOM CHRONICLES chapter 2 ( I Am MacGyver (If MacGyver Cried a Lot and Used Scotch Tape )
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I Am MacGyver
(If MacGyver Cried a Lot and Used Scotch Tape)
Tuesday, Late Afternoon | Mood: Delusional | Status: Armed
The screaming outside has stopped, which is somehow worse than the screaming. Now, it’s just the ambient noise of the apocalypse: distant car alarms and the occasional Zom. Zom. Zom. from the hallway.
The Inventory
I realized a bottle of bleach is a terrible weapon. I need a zombie-slaying instrument of destruction. I dumped my backpack and scanned the shelves:
- A wooden mop handle
- Heavy-duty stapler
- Duct tape (The Holy Grail)
- Rusty scissors
- Laptop charger
The Ex-Calibur
I decided to go for reach. You don’t want a Zom Zom close enough to breathe on you. Their breath smells like raw meat and expired dairy.
1. Mop Handle base.
2. Scissor blades affixed to tip via Duct Tape.
3. Stapler counter-weight at the base.
It looked pathetic. Like a spear designed by a toddler. But it’s mine.
Practice Swings
I performed three calibration maneuvers in the closet:
- Swing 1: Knocked over floor wax.
- Swing 2: Scissors wiggled ominously.
- Swing 3: Dislocated shoulder (almost).
IT'S PERFECT. NOW TO OPEN THE DOOR.
Rules for Survival
Based on my observations of Gary and Mrs. Higgins, here is the working list:
1. Cardio is King: Don't try to vault fences unless you can land it. A twisted ankle is a dinner bell.
2. The Rhythm: (Chew, chew, chew). You have 4 seconds before visual contact.
3. Silence Phones: No dying over car warranties.
4. Avoid The Zone: Avoid coffee shops, gyms, and the DMV.
Mister Whiskers
Breed: 50% Ragdoll, 50% Demon. Age: Timeless.
If I get back to my apartment and he’s leading a Zom Zom army from atop the refrigerator, I won't even be surprised.
Status Update
The floor wax is seeping under the door. It smells like lemons and chemical burns. Someone is walking down the hall.
They aren't doing the Zom rhythm. They are... whistling?
I'm grabbing the Ex-Calibur. Wish me luck.
Garys Wife: That sounds like Gary! Please tell him to come home!
BladeMaster99: Amateur move. Find a nail gun.
