HE ZOM ZOM CHRONICLES CHAPTER 6 The Swole and The Dead (Garage Horror)

Here is Chapter 6, the diagram of the distraction device, and Dave's essential apocalypse tunes.

THE ZOM ZOM CHRONICLES

Post Title: The Swole and The Dead (Garage Horror)

Date: Tuesday Night. Definitely Night now.

Mood: Cardio-induced panic.

Current Status: Hiding in a sensible hybrid sedan.

We left the Server Room. It was a mistake.

If the Server Room was the Arctic safe zone, the stairwell down to the basement was the chute to hell.

We walked in a tight formation: Brenda in front, wielding her heavy mechanical keyboard like a broadsword. Me in the middle, holding Mister Whiskers (who was surprisingly calm, like he knew he was being chauffeured). Dave brought up the rear, nervously clicking the safety off the Nerf Maverick.

Down we went. 4th floor. 3rd floor (we heard Kevin scratching at the door). Lobby level.

Then, B1. The Garage.

The Concrete Jungle

The door to the garage didn't open easily. Brenda had to shoulder-check it. It swung open with a metallic SCREECH that echoed into the darkness.

The garage smelled like gasoline, tire rubber, and… stale whey protein?

The lights were flickering fluorescents, casting long, twitchy shadows. Cars were abandoned everywhere—doors open, hazards flashing.

"The Prius is in spot 42B," Brenda whispered. "Reserved executive parking. Follow me. Stay low."

We crouched-walked past a BMW that had crashed into a concrete pillar.

"Wait," Dave hissed, grabbing my hoodie. "Listen."

It wasn't the wet chew-chew sound of the regular Zom Zoms. It was heavy breathing. Grunting. The sound of intense physical exertion.

Hrrrgh. PUFF. Hrrrgh. PUFF.

Enter the Crossfitters

We peeked around a Ford F-150. In the center aisle, under a flickering light, were three of them.

Dave was right. These weren't the office-worker shamblers. These guys were wearing compression gear. Their veins were bulging out of their necks. They didn't just walk; they... lunged.

One of them, a guy in a "Suns Out Guns Out" tank top, was doing deep, aggressive walking lunges toward the exit ramp. Another was repeatedly slamming his own head against a support beam, as if trying to hit a personal best for reps.

They were faster. They were stronger. Their brains had rotted away, leaving only muscle memory and rage.

"Behold the Gym Bros," Dave murmured in terror.

Mister Whiskers chose that exact moment to let out a loud, demanding MROW for dinner.

The Lunge-Walker stopped mid-rep. His head snapped toward us. His eyes were bloodshot and way too intense.

He roared. It wasn’t a human sound. It sounded like a jaguar that just dropped a 400lb deadlift on its toe.

The Sprint

"Run!" Brenda commanded.

We bolted. The Crossfit Zombies didn't shuffle. They charged. They vaulted over car hoods. The sound of their sneakers squeaking on the concrete was terrifyingly fast.

"Spot 42B! The lime green one!" Brenda yelled, fumbling for the keys on her lanyard.

The Prius was ahead. A beautiful, ugly, lime-green beacon of hope.

I threw Mister Whiskers into the back seat the second Brenda unlocked it. I dove into the passenger side. Dave scrambled into the back with the cat.

Brenda jumped into the driver's seat. A Crossfit Zombie—the one in the tank top—slammed into the driver's side window face-first. THWACK.

The glass didn't break, but his nose did. He didn't even flinch. He just started punching the window. Wham. Wham. Wham.

"Seatbelts," Brenda snapped, jamming the key into the ignition. Even during the apocalypse, Safety First.

The car hummed to life silently.

Brenda slammed it into reverse. We clipped the punching zombie, spinning him around, and peeled out towards the exit ramp, leaving a trail of rubber and undead gym enthusiasts behind us.

We made it out. We are on the street. The city is on fire. Brenda is aggressively critiquing the Prius's acceleration capabilities.

We’re alive.

SURVIVAL SCHEMATIC: THE DISTRACTION NERF

While we were hiding in the Server Room, I watched Dave modify the Nerf Maverick. He said standard foam darts are useless because Zom Zoms don't feel shame.

He called this modification: "The Dinner Bell."

The idea isn't to hurt them. It's to shoot something noisy into a far corner so they all run over there while you run the other way.

      [THE DISTRACTION NERF - "THE DINNER BELL" MOD]

         / \  <-- (A) Taped-on Laser Pointer 
        | R |      (For aiming in dark/teasing cats)
        \ E /
  ______|_|____________________
 /                             \
|   [NERF MAVERICK BODY]        |
 \_____________________________/
        |  |   (B) The Rotating Barrel
        |  |
        '--'

(C) AMMUNITION MODIFICATION (The Dart):

   [ Foam Body ]-[Suction Cup Tip]
                      |
       (D) -->  *JINGLE BELLS* (Stolen from Christmas decor, 
                 hot-glued to the tip.)

HOW IT WORKS:
1. Aim laser (A) at distant wall/car.
2. Fire dart.
3. Dart hits surface. Suction cup sticks.
4. Jingle bells (D) ring loudly upon impact.
5. Zom Zoms, attracted to noise, investigate the jingling.
6. You escape.

DAVE'S "END OF THE WORLD" PLAYLIST

Before we left the garage, I saw Dave plug his phone into the Prius’s auxiliary jack.

"If we're going out," Dave said, adjusting his glasses, "We need a soundtrack that respects the gravity of the situation, but also acknowledges the inherent absurdity of being eaten by a guy named Kevin."

Here is the queue currently playing in the getaway Prius:

1. "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" - R.E.M. (Dave says this is mandatory. It’s the national anthem of the apocalypse.)

2. "Still Alive" - GLaDOS (from the Portal soundtrack) (For irony. Also, Dave loves evil AI.)

3. "Psycho Killer" - Talking Heads (To set the mood for the street-level chaos.)

4. "Yakety Sax" - Boots Randolph (The Benny Hill theme song. Dave insists this must play if we are ever being chased in a circle.)

5. "Bodies" - Drowning Pool (Dave: "It’s cliché, but when the horde hits, the nu-metal hits harder.")

6. "Space Oddity" - David Bowie (For when we inevitably accept our grim fate.)

7. "Don't Stop Me Now" - Queen (Brenda actually requested this one for "driving morale.")

Status Update: Brenda is driving like she's in a Fast & Furious movie, if the cars were sensible hybrids and Vin Diesel was a middle-aged HR manager. We are heading for the highway.

Mister Whiskers is asleep on Dave's lap.

Where do we go now? The suburbs? The coast? My apartment to get the good artisanal cheese before it spoils?